Nobody Knows But Me
by WriteAtNight
Summary: Drake types an email to Josh and hits delete as he always does or so he thinks . D/J Slash what else right . 3 chapter story. Chapter 1 is the Drake chapter, chapter 2 is the Josh chapter and chapter 3… well you’ll see.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I Do not own, please don't sue. I can't pay anyone, and I can barely pay attention. **

**Summary: Drake types an email to Josh and hits delete as he always does (or so he thinks). D/J Slash (what else right). 3 chapter story. Chapter 1 is the Drake chapter, chapter 2 is the Josh chapter and chapter 3… well you'll see. **

**Rated T**

**A/N: Here's a little something I conjured up while listening to some music (you might know I am a music addict by now). Anyway the song Nobody Knows (it but me) came on and I thought oh fic time even though the lyrics really have nothing to do with the fic (except perhaps the way Drake was feeling when he wrote the letter) if you know the song you'll know what I'm talking about. Hope you enjoy. And now, on to the boys…(BTW, the e-mail is in italics but I'm sure you knew that). I tried to fix any mistakes, hope I caught them all. If not, I apologize. **

**----**

**Nobody Knows But Me **

"_So, I miss you. So I still need you. I don't even care anymore. You thought I was actually happy to see you go? To go start a new life without me in it. How can I be happy about that? Sure you thought I was happy, they all thought I was happy. I should totally go into acting. I was very convincing wasn't I?_

_Think about it though. Think of all we've done and been through together. Do you really think I could let you go like that? I mean really? Do you not know me at all? _

_Everybody thinks I'm so happy for you. You think I'm so happy for you. You know why? Because I let you. Because I want you to. Deep down inside I want you to feel guilty for going and come back, but of course that will never happen. I want you to feel so many things, but you won't. I mean seriously if you haven't already then it's apparent that you won't ever. So I sit here and write this to you as I do often. _

_You did just get an email from me though, you know the one "the concert was great the crowd was wilder than the last one, blah blah, blah" the one I actually sent you. This one is the one I type and never send. I always wonder how you would respond to this. I'll never find out though because I'll always delete it. I could never send it to you. You must never know the way I feel inside… deep down inside in a place nobody would understand. _

_I had a dream once did I tell you? Of course not. I had a dream you were home and it involved the bed and well let's just say it was a very vivid dream, which made me very curious as to how the reality would be. It made me smile every time I thought about it. Nobody noticed though because I always act happy. I don't want to be questioned. I mean do you know what they would think or say if they knew. They would die… yes die. I would actually be the cause of death of our parents. They can so never know, then again, neither can you. _

_I can get over this and one day I will I'm sure. I mean you can't really love one person your entire life can you, especially when that one person doesn't even know? You actually probably know the answer to that question don't you? You know so much and you're learning even more every day. Yes, you know so much yet so very little, very little about the person who shared your life the past few years. To that, you are clueless, but then again, I'm glad. _

_You were always so naïve. Even after all the crap that happened to us you still saw an innocence in this world. I have no idea why either. Trust me, the world is not innocent. If it were, I wouldn't feel like this. _

_Do you know that I actually sleep in your bed sometimes? I know you don't. Nobody knows. Nobody but me. I'm the only one who knows any of this. I'm the only one who knows how much I miss you, how much I need you, how much I want you, and how much I love you. _

_No. Nobody but me knows that I feel like crying but refuse to show a weakness to something that will never happen. Nobody knows this. Nobody, but me. I know it all. I feel it all. Nobody knows, not even you, and you never will. You don't see it. I wish you could in a way so I could know what you think of it, but then again I probably wouldn't want to. _

_I wonder what people would say if they knew what I thought. If they knew that when I look at the door in our room that I wish that when we were fighting the time that you pushed me into it and pinned my arms beside my head that the best thing that could have happened is when you looked at me breathless and sweaty (I know it was just from fighting, but still) that you would have kissed me. That would have been insane. That's why I smiled when you did that, to which made me laugh because I couldn't let you find out, and then you laughed and that ended the fight. _

_Do you even know why I wanted to fight with you so much? Well I guess you have figured it out by now huh? Only you really haven't because you won't actually get to read this. _

_Yeah, so I guess enough confessing for the night, it is like 2 am and I actually fell asleep writing this and now I can't even see. Everything is blurry. So I'm off to delete and go to bed. _

_One more thing, even though I'm glad nobody else knows… I'm glad __**I**__ do."_

_--_

Through blurry vision and dozing off Drake clicks the button hoping and praying he got the right one because the delete and send were next to each other. He knows he shouldn't do this so tired because he has had many near misses but when he's this tired is when he wants to get it out. It is almost like he is drunk or high, like his inhibitions were gone. He was afraid that if Josh ever called him when he was like this he would probably tell him so it made him glad Josh was never up this late.

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Chapter 2 on the way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own D/J. Don't own tootsie pops either, but now I wish I had one. It sounds good. I did buy this Dr. Pepper I am drinking though if that means anything... yeah I didn't think it did either. **

**--**

Nobody Knows But Me

Josh woke up about 5:30, took a shower, got dressed, got some coffee and sat down at his computer to check his emails and his e calendar.

"_You have 4 new emails Josh," _he heard Oprah's voice say and was grateful to the person that made it possible to have her alert him of his emails.

Two junk mails and two from Drake. After deleting the junk mails he read Drake's first one titled "Hey Man" telling him about the concert and informed him when the next one was, as if he didn't already know. It was a nice email.

He missed watching Drake on stage. He missed so much about Drake. Things that he wished he didn't miss, but most of all he just missed Drake. He never told anybody that he missed him that much and what he missed about him because he knew it wasn't "normal and healthy" to have that kind of connection or feelings about a member of your household even though he figured what did it matter because their parents were married, _they_ weren't, then he smiled at a thought that crept into his brain and shook it away quickly. He thought he maybe didn't need to get up so early.

He thought maybe he would try to go home next weekend, to surprise Drake at his concert. To give him some support. He had a thought of Drake coming to see _him_ and coming to his classes with him to support him. He laughed at that. His thought changed to Drake trying to act all scholarly and looking like the owl in the graduation cap and glasses trying to figure out exactly how many licks it took to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop that he saw in a commercial. He laughed and decided in fact he _did_ need to stop getting up so early.

He looked at the next email "Nobody Knows But Me". If he would have tried to guess what it contained he would have been wrong. He clicked on it and began reading.

He read the first couple of paragraphs and his heart started feeling heavy. He really did think Drake was happy. It kind of upset him but he lived with it and seemed fine himself because well what would Drake and the rest of the family think if they knew the thoughts that went on inside his head before he left, and well sometimes now even.

He realized Drake's dream was probably, maybe, and hopefully about the same as the thoughts _he_ had. That made him smile. If only he could tell someone. He read the part where Drake said he always deleted it and knew it was an accident for him to get, but then again, he didn't really believe in accidents, and as Drake said he did see an innocence to this world, and perhaps fate, destiny, and doom.

This was more than your regular star crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet type of thing. He was sure they didn't write plays about this. Stepbrothers. Yes brothers being the key word, as in yes two guys, and their parents married, both harboring feelings for the other one not wanting it to get out because it is the thing tabloids and talk shows are made of so both of them hold their feelings in and refuse to let anyone know including the other one.

He too felt the same about getting over it someday and he really didn't know the answer about loving only one person but as long as he's loved his stepbrother he's sure that even if he "got over it", the feeling would never go away completely. He loved that he loved Drake. Even if Drake didn't know or ever would know he was loved, Josh knew.

Josh remembered the fight they had, the stupid fight. He remembered them all but he especially remembered that one. He was glad Drake started laughing because with them breathless, panting, sweating, and then Drake smiling, he didn't want to let him go. He thought for a moment about kissing him even though he tried to fight it. If Drake hadn't started laughing when he did he probably would have. He loved it when they fought too. He loved pinning the smaller boy under him even though he never tried to hurt him. It was just a chance to look at him. To hold him. To look into his eyes and imagine. It gave him enough images to last a lifetime, or at least until the next time they fought. It pleased him now to know what Drake wanted him to do that day and now he really wishes he would have done it. Could it have made Drake's dream and his own thoughts become a reality?

He decided he needed to find out. This was crazy. Maybe it was and maybe nobody could or would understand but now, after this e-mail, he needed to find out. He knew Drake had no idea the e mail was sent and knew he would be too lazy to ever check his sent folder. He came up with a plan of what he would do.

He called the family that evening and talked to them all. He found out that next Friday Megan was staying with Janie and the parents had plans to go away for the night. Drake had to play so Josh decided it was a perfect time to see what could happen between them, if only for a night.

He talked to Drake casually and things seemed the same as they always did, which made him even more sure Drake was clueless about the email. He loved the fact that Drake was so clueless sometimes; he found it cute and charming. Loving Drake was hard, but so much fun, even if nobody but himself knew.

He checked flights on the internet and booked one. Thinking about next weekend made the days go by a lot quicker and much better.

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Chapter 3 on its way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I so don't own them. If I did there would be a season 5, not on nick, and oh yeah, way more slash. **

**A/N 1: There's some fluff and oooooooooh some ahem kissing. **:)** If you don't want to read about them kissing or anything else, then do not read this chapter. Of course, if you didn't want to read about that then you probably wouldn't have read this fic period. **

**--**

Nobody Knows But Me

Josh took a cab from the airport to the house and saw that one of the cars was there. He took his stuff up to the room and grabbed the extra set of keys to the car and went to where Drake was playing.

He wouldn't let Drake know he was there. No, this was a surprise. He watched from afar, smiling at the way Drake looked, played, acted, sounded. He loved it. He could watch him do this all the time. If he had the choice of doing anything this would be it, well okay, almost anyway… it comes in second, he thought. He knew it was almost over so he left and hurried back home.

He took a shower and got ready. He made sure the bathroom was just the way it was when he got there so Drake would have no clue anything was going on. He hid his bag and then himself when he heard Drake pull up. After Drake came in their room and got the pajamas he was going to change into and he heard the water from the shower start, Josh took the light bulbs out of the light in their room. He wanted it dark so there was no chance of Drake seeing him before he let his presence known.

He heard the shower turn off and sent a hurried text. "Nobody knows but me" is all it said. He blocked his number so Drake wouldn't know it was him.

He heard the sink and knew Drake was brushing his teeth and then heard Drake's phone beep with a message. He heard Drake say "what the" and could only imagine what colorful word was said after.

He heard footsteps coming so he got behind the door. Drake opened it and tried to turn the light on. Obviously it didn't work. Drake just shook his head wondering what other weird thing was going to happen tonight as he shut the door. He figured he could actually make his way around the room in the dark.

He turned to walk further into the room when he felt someone grab him and push him against the door. He didn't know what was happening at first and it was happening so quickly that he couldn't think. His arms were pinned above his head and he felt lips on his before he could respond.

He knew then. He knew who was holding him, he knew who was kissing him, he knew who messaged him. He knew then that he did actually click the wrong button this time, but apparently it worked out to his advantage. He threaded his fingers through Josh's as they lingered in the kiss, deepening it. If he had his eyes open they probably would have rolled in the back of his head.

Josh's body pressed closely against his causing him to moan, and causing Josh to press even closer and kiss even harder. Josh released his hands and moved them down his sides to grip his hips. He put his arms around Josh's neck and hand in his hair.

Even though both had thought about this neither one of them knew of the power it would hold. Josh broke the kiss leaving both of them breathless this time for a different reason.

"Josh," Drake whispered, in between breaths.

Josh couldn't help it. When he heard his name being whispered he touched his lips to Drake's once more. He didn't want to stop. He didn't want to do anything but this. To him, and to Drake this was the best idea he ever had.

He moved his hands up and down Drake's sides and then reached inside his shirt and across his lower back causing Drake to make a sound to what Josh seemed like a whimper.

Josh broke their kiss again and moved Drake's hands from around his neck, to which Drake protested and Josh smiled.

"Is that what you were talking about?" Josh said.

"Uh, yeah… it was," Drake said trying to find words.

"I wanted it too you know," Josh said walking to the bed and laying on it. Drake followed.

"I never knew," Drake said.

"Yeah, well, nobody did, except me… right? Same as you," Josh said.

Drake climbed beside Josh and Josh started brushing his hair with his fingers.

Josh looked Drake in the eyes. "I miss you. I need you, I want you, and I love you too Drake, I can't believe you didn't know," Josh said and kissed him softly. "That's how I would have responded".

Drake laid his head on Josh's chest and was silent just listening to his heart beating and trying to comprehend that he was really here.

"I saw you tonight you know," he told Drake.

"You did?" Drake smiled.

"I did. You looked and sounded amazing. You always do. I miss that. I miss watching you," Josh said.

"I miss you being there. It's so different. You left and I thought… I don't know that you just kind of maybe outgrew me or whatever," Drake said.

"God, never Drake. I could never outgrow you. I left and thought about how you acted when I left and thought maybe you were happy I was gone," he said.

"No way. How could I be? You know us. You know how we are. I have been putting on a very good front. I am good at that you know," Drake chuckled.

"Obviously. You aren't however good at knowing which button is delete and which one is send," Josh kissed Drake's head "for which I am very thankful".

"Yeah," Drake whispered.

"So, anyway what's this about a dream and the bed and well what was it?" Josh asked.

"Like I'm going to tell you. It's embarrassing enough that you know I had one," Drake blushed. He moved his head off of Josh and lay back on the bed.

"Oh you're going to tell me. I didn't come all the way home on a Friday night with you being the only one here all night just to play out _one_ of your fantasies. You owe me," Josh said. He climbed on top of Drake and grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head. "Besides Drake," he whispered in his ear "How can I make it come true if I don't even know what it is"?

"Okay Josh," Drake said looking into his eyes, even though they couldn't see very well. Drake did tell him the dream and Josh made it come true, not leaving out even one detail, and just as Josh suspected, the details were almost exactly the same as the thoughts he had.

--

The next morning before anybody got home Drake drove Josh to the airport.

"You coming back soon?" Drake asked.

"It depends… You gonna send me another e-mail like that soon?" Josh replied.

"If I think you deserve one," Drake teased. Josh smiled and gently grabbed Drake's wrists. "Just kidding," Drake smiled and Josh released his grip.

"You know I'll be back soon. I can't leave you for long Drake, not now, especially not now," Josh said touching the side of Drake's face.

"I hope not. I can't stand you being gone, especially now," Drake smiled.

"We just need to find a way to make them go away a lot. The more they're gone, the more I'll be there," Josh said, "I mean I want to see them too but you know, there are things I don't want to do while I see them and don't want them to see, right"?

"Oh yeah. I'm good. I can arrange that," Drake said.

Josh looked at him and raised his eyebrows smiling. Drake closed his eyes as if it would hide his blushing. While his eyes were closed Josh kissed him. He returned the kiss. It was like the goodbye they should have had, if they had to have one at all.

"I love you Drake," Josh said.

"I love you too Josh," Drake whispered and looked him in the eyes.

On the plane back to college and on the drive back home both of them thought of the perfect night they shared and how they knew they would make it happen again.

The best part of the night, they both thought, was knowing that nobody knew… nobody but them.

-- End --

**A/N 2: Well it ends there, but I wonder how long it would take them to get caught, who would catch them, and what they would say… just a thought. I hope you liked. **


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